assertive??im not..

suit my mood now..down:(

negative emotion struck me again..this weekend is so enjoyable in cousin's house..we went times square together by lrt then walked quite long distance..then went having 'Baskin Robin'( this is wat i enjoyed a lot..haha)it cost jie jie rm22..costly lo but quite satisfied after eating..haha..then back to the house watching tv whole night..i enjoyed this kind of life..without using brain, without thinking a lot.i feel free and relief..feel like cousin's house is the place i can breathe..i hate my life now..lots of assignment, lots of things that i don't really like.
today pn.siti taught about ''ASSERTIVENESS''.She said as an OT we have to be assertive and speak out wat we think.then she told us nonassertive people are unable to state or express his or her feelings(right right), afraid to let others know how he or she feels(yaya..), reluctant to express feelings(dont know how to express actually..), force themselves to keep their real feelings inside(not really force but dont feel like to tell others..), end up with something they dont really like(i guess..).the reasons being nonassertive is because of laziness,apathy,fear...suit me..im thinking i m myb tat kind of person..i tried to change but i dont knw why when something did happen i think again and again, m i doing the right decision?since i dont really can accept wat im doing now although a year flew by d..
being assertive like being determined..im such a stupid cant do that..many of them give me motivations and the feeling of lost still there..everytime i tell myself, it is just part of ur life, go through it and then continue pursue wat u want..i kept telling me but seem like i kept lying to myself..i went to my cousin's house almost every weekend just to escape wat i dont like..i feel like i dont know how to differentiate btw wat i like and wat i dislike..i hate this feeling..i always put myself in a busy condition to let me dont have time to think too much..but the emotion and feeling and a lot of question marks running again and again in my mind..myb like wat i mentioned before,it is a phase of transformation and it is time for me to grow to think bigger to think further..i have no time to ponder over my decision no time to think of all those stupid facts and reality..wat i need to do is just doing my best everyday..i hope i can stop all those thinking and keep moving forward..i hope..i dun wanna disappoint my family and myself..believing in myself is important right now..vulnerable soul have to be toughen..:(