迷茫是一种病

最近刚换了新的工作环境，一眨眼也就五个月了。很多时候我都一直在问自己，这个决定是不是太仓促了，然后再用一百个理由说服自己，不要再回头。陌生的环境，不熟悉的人事，不太习惯的作风，不太适应的文化，我好像一直都在默默吞苦水，然后不断的安慰自己，这只是因为我还没调适好自己。可是往往当我很深入了解自己内心深处的想法时，我不免怀疑自己的选择，开始觉很空虚，顿时失去方向感。常有种幻觉：自己就漂浮在海中央，人海浪拍打，没有定位的四处漂流。

踏入人生第二十八个年头，我开始觉得我的人生是场恐怖片，永远猜不到下一幕的剧情，每次就坦然地接受再应对突如其来的变化。我不想太早作结论，可是我不是一个好编剧，我不知道故事中的主角到底想要什么，只能用“平平无奇”两字来形容她现有的人生。除了工作，人生好像都没有什么精彩的故事，也很难激起她的adrenaline，更贴切的只能说在“混日子”，因为她真的不知道自己到底想要的是什么。她清楚地知道不可以继续这样颓废、糜烂下去，青春期也都快被她耗尽了，然而身上好像住着千千万万的懒虫，侵蚀她的每一个器官。

我不知道有没有程咬金会在半路上扭转这个局面，不管是好的还是坏的至少可以突破她的盲点。这样子的浑浑噩噩真的让人很有罪恶感。虽然每天告诉自己工作很有意义，很神圣，可是每次到了夜深人静的时候开始审视自己，我一点都不开心，情绪也很不稳定，原来我每天都在靠着社交媒体不停的刷新版面，不停的偷窥别人生活，然后再不停的羡慕人家来逃避自己的问题，告诉自己我的人生很ok。我有很多的不知道，太多的不知道让我觉得太累了，我只想这样子再继续混下去，可是矛盾的是我不想完全失去本来那个可以很精彩可以很出色可以很出人头地的那个她。心里的交战不至于心力交瘁，但足以让我生活素质不理想，存不到happiness的deposit.

我到底想要什么，下一步要怎么走，我都没有答案。或许应该好好当人妻、人母，然后就这样？我知道我会不甘心。铁下心出走，留个学，考个学位回来吧！可是我没有勇气一走了之，也没有本事说服处的医院赞助我，更没有雄厚的家底支持我，所以想着想着，这个梦慢慢地被埋得很深很深。我生病了，还病得不轻，“迷茫”这个病很痛不欲生啊！突然就来首五月天的"顽固"吧。。。啊，当一个大人可以很轻松，可是当一个迷茫的大人是很累。治得了这病的也只有自己。我衷心希望自己快点走出这个迷宫，找到一个更明确的方向吧！

謝謝你 教會我什麼叫堅持

林李時代已去 大勢已不再 人生還是得走下去。
現實就是如此，我們往往抱著滿懷希望，期待著最好的結果，然後卻傷心地擁抱著殘酷。

不想 不願 也不服，可是又能怎樣。我們常說，往正面思考，這是哪個笨蛋發明自我安慰的心理？！哇靠，不開心不就不開心，什麼正能量、安慰的狗屁話就免了⋯⋯正視自己的負面情緒，然後適時的宣洩，罵一罵髒話，其實蠻爽的。對不起，離題⋯⋯

傷心了，失望了，路還是得走。時間不會因爲你的失敗而靜止，地球不會因為你的傷心而末日。面對挑戰，努力過，奮鬥過，跌倒過，那就很好，至少你是笑著接受挑戰。這是我從你身上學會的人生道理。不懈不怠，堅持到底，是你教會我的事。即使你不會再戰，即使歲月不饒人，你的精神永存，每一個被你影響的人都會延續你打不死的精神。是你讓我記住了，什麼是堅持；是你提醒我，人生沒有多少個十年，你會怎麼善用好好的十年。工作上的小挫折，真的算不上什麼，這些歷練帶來的是成長，淚水換來的是經驗，痛苦換來的是磨練。

謝謝你，提醒了我，我是打不死的阿欣。

李宗偉，一代宗師。您的時代已去，但必成佳話，永垂千古。我會學習您的精神，好好為自己的人生負責，加油！

Failure hits me Gao Gao

Well another time of ielts again. And again it sucks!!!! It was my third time and I don't feel alright. I'm sick of taking this stupid IELTs. It's the first time I felt so defeated and indeed lack of motivation to move on. I was once reckoned as a fantastic linguistic person. Language is always my strength. But why come to today, it is my killing factor for not getting my license. I feel so hopeless yet helpless. I know the only way is to keep taking till I pass but my heart is so weak. I hate failure. I hate English demolished me!!😫😫😫 my mom my sis my bf my friends all thought that I can pass easily but it turned out to be not. What happened??? What happened to me? What happened to this little lucky girl? What happened to this little undefeated cockcroach that has strong will and perseverance? I can't think of any reason or excuse. I'm just tired. If I'm not able to go through this, what to mention about studying overseas or further my study in UK or Australia? Who am I? Where should I suppose to be? Or maybe I don't belong to here? A lot of questions and negativity running in my mind. I'm frail I'm weak I'm stupid I'm just a normal silly girl that know nothing. I'm no longer an awesome talented girl that I knew before.

I need to reorganize my thoughts. Shut down and start over again. It's easier to say than do. I'm always paying lip service on my own life. But I ought to do something about it. Something to create a better me. A new me. A different me.

* I am still praying hard and waiting for a miracle to happen... 😪😯😯

慢郎阿光

好久好久没有静静坐下来用文字发泄自己了。不好的是，我错过很多真实的感受，当下的情绪；好的是，人生忙得没有闲下来，无聊的吐两三个字。

刚刚才从ahbi sepang的家回到新加坡的窝，这个男人慢慢开始让我觉得越来越踏实。咳嗽都快咳出肺来晚上都没睡好下午还要带我到处乱晃的他，累得像条死鱼的他，还是信守他的承诺，陪我搭巴士回家。我口里猛说不，但心里甜到漏了。他妈的坚持让我第一次觉得他帅呆了。
或许一直都没人爱，现在的我好想好好的，深深地去爱。不管无常还是明天先到，至少我是狠狠的爱过。感恩生命中出现好多色彩，好多阻碍，让我停下脚步慢慢欣赏沿途风景，他的出现或许也是上天安排，让我慢活，因为他真的太像乌龟啦！！！

我好想好想过着陈绮贞音乐的慵懒，蔡健雅的洒脱，然后和蔡濠光慢活。

因为他，我喜怒无常，EQ 要重修。

因为他，我放下尊严，任性地放纵我自己，然后放肆地让她打点我生活的一切，活像个废人，甜蜜的废人。

哭过闹过幼稚过，我真的只想放慢脚步，细细咀嚼他带给我的小却幸。

我真的很平凡，他更是万绿丛中的小绿叶，但是我的大小事就是可以放心的托付在他身上，我想他就是我的一点红。

阿嶽的加持 阿欣的堅持

在幸運神眷顧，各方神聖的保佑下，我和阿佩終於如願以償的順利通過了資格鑒定考試！
三個多月的苦等苦熬，我們終於終於當上了夢寐以求（是嗎？好像不）的職能治療師！
不需要再聽別人使喚，不需要再穿那不堪入目的制服，不需要總是被人誤會是打掃的大嬸，而最重要的是不需要再捱那不到兩千塊的薪水了！真是祖宗顯靈，天宮保庇，前世修的福！！我真的只想說，“阿媽，我得咗啦！！”

其實我也蠻矛盾的，一方面是興奮，一方面則是憂慮，因為三個月呆在安全區都沒走出來，腦袋瓜也好像早銹透了，突然要我獨當一面，要我絞盡腦汁，要我讀書，要我規劃，我一下子覺得心跳加速，喘得我快透不過氣了。好在醫院的同事真的太好人了，處處替我們著想，事事為我們規劃，尤其我這種面對選擇恐懼癥然後又優柔果斷的人，同事的適時出手相助，猶如沙漠中的綠洲，讓我重燃光明！（誇張手法，太久沒寫作，秀秀修辭）

然後就這樣，一個多月過去了，我懵懵懂懂跟不少的病人度過了我的第一個月，他們也幸運地在我這菜鳥手上順利地活過來（本來都活著，我的意思是在我手上死不了 :P)。好多好多好多（好煩，總之無限的多）的不懂，好多好多的學習，不只是醫藥方面，我自己的工作範圍，人事關係，文件處理，人生道理，我才發現自己真的是無知到一個沸點。可是套名人一句 “態度決定一切”，只好慢慢學習，慢慢進步，慢慢再發掘自己，發掘人生，這就是不停戰鬥的人生。我知道自己是有名的懶人，不過寫日記就是要督促自己，當時代在進步，我不可以在虛度我的人生了！說好的碩士課程，說好的背包旅遊，說好的漫遊人生，我還是滿腔熱血，瘋狂期待著。可是在這之前，我需要做的努力不只是表面功夫，我的功底真的不能讓我頂太久。朱小姐，你已經快到四分之一的人生了（如果可以當個人瑞），振作起來！！

最近有點瘋狂愛上阿嶽，因為膚淺地看了我罷看很久的台灣偶像劇。《我的自由年代》 讓我重新瞬間回到愛發春秋夢的少女時代 :) 也不是一味發春，而是精彩的語錄，尤其對一個剛畢業出來的菜鳥而言，是值得省思的。
“對自由有多大的瞭解，就有多大的自由。一直把自己困在別人的城堡里，在意別人的一舉一動，讓別人決定你是笑還是哭，這樣就不自由，因為沒有一座屬於自己的城堡。
只要不在乎別人的眼光，不為別人而活，你就自由了”
我想，我要的不是身體上的自由，而是真正精神上的自由。追求自由不簡單，現在的我只是很小很小的起步，我希望的是探索更多未知的我，努力突破自己，做一些我從來沒想過我會做的事，達成一些小小的目標，再循序漸進往更大目標前進。

“我愛上的只是我的幻想，而幻想再美麗，到了現實也會破滅”
我說姐，請好好努力，為自己真正的自由加油打拼吧！

他媽的2014 我媽的24

祝我生日快樂 剛過的生日
新的一年了，很快
我的20 年華快來到了一半，我卻覺得自己一事無成
胸有大志，但都是空做白日夢
我真的覺得自己越來越不像話
是空口說白話的話
積極的人生這樣子的座右銘，只能是一陣子的熱血
可能持續個一兩天
然後我又打回原狀

有時我真的覺得自己是犯賤
明明是大好機會
卻總是等到失去了才來後悔
現在就是狠狠的，用力的在浪費這個機會

好，又來，答應自己，剛過的生日，這是第二天，
請我自己用力地過我的人生，
我真的不希望有任何我不想要有的遺憾
明明就可以很精彩  不要羡慕他人
明明就平平庸庸  不要自命不凡
明明就傻傻更更  不要自作聰明
明明就寂寞難耐  還裝作若無其事
明明就容易被看穿 還一副“沒人懂我”的自命清高

摒除這些  我也是筍盤 哈
加油 2014 你就好讓我好過點
我是認真的
其實外國的煙花沒有比較璀璨

better and better..:)

To my astonishment, I had been arranged to help in Orthopedics unit today. I was reluctant but I had to face with my phobia. I knew I could escape myself from my fear. Early in the morning I was busy handling with different patients with different conditions. I even did mistakes when measuring ROM in thumb abduction. It was embarrassing when I was being questioned by the therapist. The first patient that I did monofilament test on him was a general worker in Ministry of State in Johor. He had retired now and moved to Klang. He complained of pain and numbness on both arms causing the test had to be halted for many times to let him rest awhile before continuing. I began to be impatient when patient failed to feel the monofilament. I was annoyed by the distraction of the television but the therapist did not even bother about the disruptions. After lunch there were still many patients in orthopedics unit. I chatted with many patients and did what the therapists told me to do. I handled CTS, and fractures cases. One of the patients is a marketing manager in a law firm. He was on leave till January. He had left distal end radius fracture and yet he is optimistic and always thinks of the good side. I ended today session after all patients had done with TENS, hand helper and theraputty exercise.


What gave me a vivid impression was a patient who was a dental surgeon before retiring. She worked for government hospital for more than 10 years then changed the environment to work in a private hospital. She dedicated her life into dental field for decades and she felt contented with her life. She struggled before as dentistry was her mother’s ambition not hers. She wanted to be a journalist photographer, she likes travelling and photographing. However different kinds of patients drew her to continue in her field for so many years. She enjoyed interacting and communicating with patients of different background, religion, and races. There were a lot of stories that might give her some lessons. Before she left, she emphasized to us that passion is very important to keep one moving further in one’s field or career. If work for salary, one’s life must be miserable and meaningless. I strongly agreed with her and I really think that enthusiasm is the key to success and keep your competency in your field. Without passion we will work like a robot, emotionless and heartless. I started to feel lost whenever I was told to do this and that. I started to think did all these we give fulfilling what the patients indeed wanted for? Were we too robotic? Were we too rigid? Did the practical students too obey to their instructions? Did we really perform our roles as a good therapist? I was thinking all the time but I had no answers and I dared not to deepen the problems. Where is the true passion? For me a true and reliable therapist is the one who cares not just physically but mentally and psychologically. I want to be the one but it is still a long journey to discover the way and time is needed to mould me into a “true” and truthful therapist.

          
Experience is another key for me to sharpen my skills. This posting was a chance for me to make mistakes and accumulate my results in order to become stronger and tougher. Knowledge is the power to stand still confidently. The reason I was always in low self-esteem was that I cannot convince others with my knowledge. I have a lot of uncertainties to clarify. I really need to be determined and have strong will to toughen my foundation of knowledge. I really want to be the good one to treat my patient. I do not want to be a robot merely.

I saw this in some website, feel strongly to quote down to remind myself: WHAT is it that's hard to break??? Diamond? Nope. The answer is:

HABIT!

If you break the H, you still have A BIT.

If you break the A, you still have BIT.

If you break the B, you still have IT!

Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the 'I'.

And that (I) is the root cause of all the problems. J