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Sunday, March 20, 2016

Failure hits me Gao Gao

Well another time of ielts again. And again it sucks!!!! It was my third time and I don't feel alright. I'm sick of taking this stupid IELTs. It's the first time I felt so defeated and indeed lack of motivation to move on. I was once reckoned as a fantastic linguistic person. Language is always my strength. But why come to today, it is my killing factor for not getting my license. I feel so hopeless yet helpless. I know the only way is to keep taking till I pass but my heart is so weak. I hate failure. I hate English demolished me!!😫😫😫 my mom my sis my bf my friends all thought that I can pass easily but it turned out to be not. What happened??? What happened to me? What happened to this little lucky girl? What happened to this little undefeated cockcroach that has strong will and perseverance? I can't think of any reason or excuse. I'm just tired. If I'm not able to go through this, what to mention about studying overseas or further my study in UK or Australia? Who am I? Where should I suppose to be? Or maybe I don't belong to here? A lot of questions and negativity running in my mind. I'm frail I'm weak I'm stupid I'm just a normal silly girl that know nothing. I'm no longer an awesome talented girl that I knew before.

I need to reorganize my thoughts. Shut down and start over again. It's easier to say than do. I'm always paying lip service on my own life. But I ought to do something about it. Something to create a better me. A new me. A different me.

* I am still praying hard and waiting for a miracle to happen... 😪😯😯

Monday, February 22, 2016

慢郎阿光

好久好久没有静静坐下来用文字发泄自己了。不好的是,我错过很多真实的感受,当下的情绪;好的是,人生忙得没有闲下来,无聊的吐两三个字。

刚刚才从ahbi sepang的家回到新加坡的窝,这个男人慢慢开始让我觉得越来越踏实。咳嗽都快咳出肺来晚上都没睡好下午还要带我到处乱晃的他,累得像条死鱼的他,还是信守他的承诺,陪我搭巴士回家。我口里猛说不,但心里甜到漏了。他妈的坚持让我第一次觉得他帅呆了。
或许一直都没人爱,现在的我好想好好的,深深地去爱。不管无常还是明天先到,至少我是狠狠的爱过。感恩生命中出现好多色彩,好多阻碍,让我停下脚步慢慢欣赏沿途风景,他的出现或许也是上天安排,让我慢活,因为他真的太像乌龟啦!!!

我好想好想过着陈绮贞音乐的慵懒,蔡健雅的洒脱,然后和蔡濠光慢活。

因为他,我喜怒无常,EQ 要重修。
因为他,我放下尊严,任性地放纵我自己,然后放肆地让她打点我生活的一切,活像个废人,甜蜜的废人。
哭过闹过幼稚过,我真的只想放慢脚步,细细咀嚼他带给我的小却幸。

我真的很平凡,他更是万绿丛中的小绿叶,但是我的大小事就是可以放心的托付在他身上,我想他就是我的一点红。


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

阿嶽的加持 阿欣的堅持

在幸運神眷顧,各方神聖的保佑下,我和阿佩終於如願以償的順利通過了資格鑒定考試!
三個多月的苦等苦熬,我們終於終於當上了夢寐以求(是嗎?好像不)的職能治療師!
不需要再聽別人使喚,不需要再穿那不堪入目的制服,不需要總是被人誤會是打掃的大嬸,而最重要的是不需要再捱那不到兩千塊的薪水了!真是祖宗顯靈,天宮保庇,前世修的福!!我真的只想說,“阿媽,我得咗啦!!”

其實我也蠻矛盾的,一方面是興奮,一方面則是憂慮,因為三個月呆在安全區都沒走出來,腦袋瓜也好像早銹透了,突然要我獨當一面,要我絞盡腦汁,要我讀書,要我規劃,我一下子覺得心跳加速,喘得我快透不過氣了。好在醫院的同事真的太好人了,處處替我們著想,事事為我們規劃,尤其我這種面對選擇恐懼癥然後又優柔果斷的人,同事的適時出手相助,猶如沙漠中的綠洲,讓我重燃光明!(誇張手法,太久沒寫作,秀秀修辭)

然後就這樣,一個多月過去了,我懵懵懂懂跟不少的病人度過了我的第一個月,他們也幸運地在我這菜鳥手上順利地活過來(本來都活著,我的意思是在我手上死不了 :P)。好多好多好多(好煩,總之無限的多)的不懂,好多好多的學習,不只是醫藥方面,我自己的工作範圍,人事關係,文件處理,人生道理,我才發現自己真的是無知到一個沸點。可是套名人一句 “態度決定一切”,只好慢慢學習,慢慢進步,慢慢再發掘自己,發掘人生,這就是不停戰鬥的人生。我知道自己是有名的懶人,不過寫日記就是要督促自己,當時代在進步,我不可以在虛度我的人生了!說好的碩士課程,說好的背包旅遊,說好的漫遊人生,我還是滿腔熱血,瘋狂期待著。可是在這之前,我需要做的努力不只是表面功夫,我的功底真的不能讓我頂太久。朱小姐,你已經快到四分之一的人生了(如果可以當個人瑞),振作起來!!

最近有點瘋狂愛上阿嶽,因為膚淺地看了我罷看很久的台灣偶像劇。《我的自由年代》 讓我重新瞬間回到愛發春秋夢的少女時代 :) 也不是一味發春,而是精彩的語錄,尤其對一個剛畢業出來的菜鳥而言,是值得省思的。
“對自由有多大的瞭解,就有多大的自由。一直把自己困在別人的城堡里,在意別人的一舉一動,讓別人決定你是笑還是哭,這樣就不自由,因為沒有一座屬於自己的城堡。
只要不在乎別人的眼光,不為別人而活,你就自由了”
我想,我要的不是身體上的自由,而是真正精神上的自由。追求自由不簡單,現在的我只是很小很小的起步,我希望的是探索更多未知的我,努力突破自己,做一些我從來沒想過我會做的事,達成一些小小的目標,再循序漸進往更大目標前進。

“我愛上的只是我的幻想,而幻想再美麗,到了現實也會破滅”
我說姐,請好好努力,為自己真正的自由加油打拼吧!



Friday, January 3, 2014

他媽的2014 我媽的24

祝我生日快樂 剛過的生日
新的一年了,很快
我的20 年華快來到了一半,我卻覺得自己一事無成
胸有大志,但都是空做白日夢
我真的覺得自己越來越不像話
是空口說白話的話
積極的人生這樣子的座右銘,只能是一陣子的熱血
可能持續個一兩天
然後我又打回原狀

有時我真的覺得自己是犯賤
明明是大好機會
卻總是等到失去了才來後悔
現在就是狠狠的,用力的在浪費這個機會

好,又來,答應自己,剛過的生日,這是第二天,
請我自己用力地過我的人生,
我真的不希望有任何我不想要有的遺憾
明明就可以很精彩  不要羡慕他人
明明就平平庸庸  不要自命不凡
明明就傻傻更更  不要自作聰明
明明就寂寞難耐  還裝作若無其事
明明就容易被看穿 還一副“沒人懂我”的自命清高

摒除這些  我也是筍盤 哈
加油 2014 你就好讓我好過點
我是認真的
其實外國的煙花沒有比較璀璨

Thursday, December 8, 2011

better and better..:)

To my astonishment, I had been arranged to help in Orthopedics unit today. I was reluctant but I had to face with my phobia. I knew I could escape myself from my fear. Early in the morning I was busy handling with different patients with different conditions. I even did mistakes when measuring ROM in thumb abduction. It was embarrassing when I was being questioned by the therapist. The first patient that I did monofilament test on him was a general worker in Ministry of State in Johor. He had retired now and moved to Klang. He complained of pain and numbness on both arms causing the test had to be halted for many times to let him rest awhile before continuing. I began to be impatient when patient failed to feel the monofilament. I was annoyed by the distraction of the television but the therapist did not even bother about the disruptions. After lunch there were still many patients in orthopedics unit. I chatted with many patients and did what the therapists told me to do. I handled CTS, and fractures cases. One of the patients is a marketing manager in a law firm. He was on leave till January. He had left distal end radius fracture and yet he is optimistic and always thinks of the good side. I ended today session after all patients had done with TENS, hand helper and theraputty exercise.


What gave me a vivid impression was a patient who was a dental surgeon before retiring. She worked for government hospital for more than 10 years then changed the environment to work in a private hospital. She dedicated her life into dental field for decades and she felt contented with her life. She struggled before as dentistry was her mother’s ambition not hers. She wanted to be a journalist photographer, she likes travelling and photographing. However different kinds of patients drew her to continue in her field for so many years. She enjoyed interacting and communicating with patients of different background, religion, and races. There were a lot of stories that might give her some lessons. Before she left, she emphasized to us that passion is very important to keep one moving further in one’s field or career. If work for salary, one’s life must be miserable and meaningless. I strongly agreed with her and I really think that enthusiasm is the key to success and keep your competency in your field. Without passion we will work like a robot, emotionless and heartless. I started to feel lost whenever I was told to do this and that. I started to think did all these we give fulfilling what the patients indeed wanted for? Were we too robotic? Were we too rigid? Did the practical students too obey to their instructions? Did we really perform our roles as a good therapist? I was thinking all the time but I had no answers and I dared not to deepen the problems. Where is the true passion? For me a true and reliable therapist is the one who cares not just physically but mentally and psychologically. I want to be the one but it is still a long journey to discover the way and time is needed to mould me into a “true” and truthful therapist.
          
Experience is another key for me to sharpen my skills. This posting was a chance for me to make mistakes and accumulate my results in order to become stronger and tougher. Knowledge is the power to stand still confidently. The reason I was always in low self-esteem was that I cannot convince others with my knowledge. I have a lot of uncertainties to clarify. I really need to be determined and have strong will to toughen my foundation of knowledge. I really want to be the good one to treat my patient. I do not want to be a robot merely.



I saw this in some website, feel strongly to quote down to remind myself: WHAT is it that's hard to break??? Diamond? Nope. The answer is:
HABIT!

If you break the H, you still have A BIT.
If you break the A, you still have BIT.
If you break the B, you still have IT!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the 'I'.

And that (I) is the root cause of all the problems.
J



Sunday, November 27, 2011

Hell chamber?!~

here come to the end of a week after consecutive five days with non-stop reports and reflective writing that made me tired and nearly worn out. I need some fresh air. Hate the feeling of stressed and breathless being in a unit that surrounded by unskilled but cocky therapists. I need to teach what is HUMBLE about. I can hardly understand why they were being so unfriendly to degree students. is it because they were graduated from diploma causing hormone imbalance? or just simply had some prejudice on students? arghh...whatever...

Luckily i just need to face them for 3 more weeks. i hope time flies. i really hate to be here.is like a battlefield everytime i reach hospital. the atmosphere is killing me. or i was not born to be a therapist?haiz..i was defeated mentally. i need to rejuvenate myself before stepping into the hell chamber again. Jia you ah hsing!!!:))

Friday, October 14, 2011

♥送爱之旅♥

从昨晚观赏了一场西班牙flamenco之旅回来也是马不停蹄的去赴了另一场更有意义的旅程。

前一晚不停赶health promotion 的proposal直到一点多才睡觉。一下子五点多就被闹钟叫醒=S。很累可是却兴致勃勃想去赴约了=)六点十五分正,我披着我黑色夹克耸立在guardhouse前充当了五分钟的guard,终于才等到我们亲爱的师兄带我和另一位同仁走到Mcd那搭巴士。哇,天未亮,人未醒,就这样朦朦胧胧中开始了十五分钟的步行,嘻嘻。也好,走路,我才会比较清醒。浩浩荡荡地,四人行出发了!其实我们四人都不认识更甭讲熟,于是就在早晨的各种动物制造的美妙声音陪伴下,到达文良港,再爬上巴士,找了位子,呼隆睡着了。

一路上摇摇晃晃,司机也在各个地方载了不同大专的同伴们。我半梦半醒中听了学长说关于麻风病麻风病村落的一些点滴,要我们做好心理准备去面对这些老人家,因为他们的外形可能有些不太一样。其实前一个晚上,我已经偷偷搜索关于麻风病的一些基本资料。我拍胸口保证自己可以面对!因为职能治疗师将来也会接触同样的病人。我不能退缩也不能害怕,所以勇敢就是我的选择!九点多,终于来到了双溪毛孺sungai buloh leprocy centre.巴士司机一驶入村子里时,满满的花圃映入眼帘。学长说以前被关进这村子时村民们闲来没事就种花也就种出心得。也许心境漂亮,种出来的花朵自然美丽。看着这些花,就想起槟城的妈咪。妈咪也超爱种花的,让她看到这些花,她一定会跟每家的主人要种子吧!哈哈。话说回头,在静思堂里集合分组后,我意外的派到发放物资的那一组,必须沿家挨户地派发我们的爱心。虽然阳光很猛烈,可事情却没有浇熄我们那阳光般的爱心和热心。=) 我们带着真诚的心出发了。我们一行人来自不同大专不同年龄,却有着共同的目标,共同的理念,就是要帮助这群老人。

我以为他们真的跟我们会有很大的差别,但其实我错了,错得离谱。他们比我们更漂亮,至少他们活得漂亮。外表并不能决定一切,他们有着的是一颗真诚的心,认真面对生活,勇敢活下去的决心。沿途上,我发现村子里的木屋都很简陋,小小的空间,只足以容纳一个人,我不能想象在如此的生活环境,公公婆婆也就这样生活了七八十年。可是公公婆婆们都是乐观的一群,他们没有流泪没有哀愁,或许他们背后有很多很辛酸的故事不能一一道来,但从他们真挚的笑容,我看到他们的乐观与积极,与世无争。即使流过了多少眼泪,背负了多少谴责与负担,他们走过来了。世俗的眼光,不谅解让他们看透,也挨了超过半个世纪。慈济的心意却有融化了他们的心,我们可以坦诚相对,没有猜疑,没有犹豫,没有嫉妒,这样的相处真的很舒服。当把物资交给他们手中时,公公婆婆都不约而同露出灿烂暖心的笑容。阳光与笑容,这绝配的组合,让我的周末充满能量。

有个阿公,我们一抵达他的家,当学姐要求照相时,他毫不犹豫答应了。还一个箭步冲到屋里拿了件衬衫套在自己裸露的上半身。阿公真的好可爱,硬要学姐捉最好的角度拍他与她种的琼花,在旁的我们也只有陪笑,可是我心里纳闷,阿公是不是太就没人来陪伴呢?所以特别寂寞,看到我们一行人,我想他是很兴奋吧。阿公操着英语跟我们这帮年轻人谈天,他告诉我们以前的丰功伟绩,如今的儿孙满堂。曾经威风凛凛的空军,拯救无数人的救护车司机,在这个村子显得格格不入,我想他一定经历过了内心无数痛苦的挣扎才找到今日的平静。他热情地招呼,指着在墙上一张张的旧照片不停向我们述说着往事。阿公八十八岁,却有着八岁的赤子之心。我二十一岁,却没有他的乐观开朗,年轻活力。

有个阿嫲,当我们到她家时,她刚从把刹买菜回来,看到我们这班人,她笑得特别让人窝心。鞠了个九十度躬,我把物资交到她手中。阿嫲暖暖的手让我想起从小抚养我长大的两个女人--我的妈妈和舅妈。他们都有着妈妈的味道,妈妈的伟大。阿嫲热情地招呼我们,把我们领到厨房看他买了些什么菜,准备煮些什么菜。突然就这样谈到自己的往事。唯一的孩子未满月就离世,丈夫近几年的离开,与自己家人的疏离,找不回自己的亲生父母,我不禁悲从中来,可是阿嫲却笑着述说着子的一切,如此的豁达,如此的坦然,还反过来安慰我们。阿嫲真的让我上了宝贵的一堂课。阿嫲如今剩下她孤零零的一个人,历经二次世界大战,如此坎坷的生活和波折却没有让她屈服于此现实,没有埋怨,也没有愤世嫉俗。我面对的芝麻绿豆小事又算得了什么。拥有家人朋友的爱却自怨自艾;修读着有用的科系,却经常埋怨教授不够好,大学不够好。为什么总不懂得知足?为什么总是那么贪婪地想要一切?却不知道比起别人,我真的是幸福的小孩。那些不愉快又算得了什么。当阿嫲告诉我只剩他一个人没人理她时,我真的很想抱着阿嫲对她说:“阿嫲一定要加油!”。但我只是说,我们也可以是她的孩子,她并不寂寞。回头想想,我对于家里两老真的太漠不关心了。总是在打理自己的事情,却从来没有多为他们想想或是慰问几句,多说几句就会嫌口臭。阿嫲,谢谢你敲醒了我,是时候反省,行孝。

这趟旅程让我得到了心灵的富足,我汗流浃背,晒得一身古铜色的肌肤,不充足的睡眠,没有完成的功课,这一切都已不太重要。因为我献出满满的爱,也得到了满满的爱。从来都没有觉得自己的生活可以如此充实。星期日不是让你怠惰偷懒的日子,站起来,走出去,你会发现小小的一个动作,可以让别人得到快乐,自己也很开心,何乐而不为?